A year ago...

The day the snow fell free.
The day the ravens met me
...released you.
A year, though yesterday it seems..
I lost my heart, my friend.
The sky is bluest now because you are there,
but oh, how I envy it.
I would go back to days with long talks, bottle neck cokes
& JAG reruns...
nights when you were here.
I would go back to warm hugs when the world was a little too cold.
...when cornbread and collards were at every holiday
from your kitchen, from your hands.
 I would return to that
and let you hold my kiddos one thousand more times...
let you hold that yellow rose at my wedding infinitely...
look into your pretty eyes & tell you I love you till you knew it.
I would thank you for loving me easily when it was so hard for everyone else.
Ask you to forgive me for those times.
Love you for already forgiving me.
I would tell you that it meant the world to tell me I was important, worthy, strong, smart.
...and let you know I haven't forgotten.
I would relish the times you discussed my horoscope and my stubbornness, full moons and
the happenings of your favorite soaps...because I never showed enough patience for those things.

I would go back to the day at the hospital
just you and I
the day you held my hand and said, "I love you"
the day you said you wanted "to fly now"
and I would let myself weep there in your arms until you did
fly away.
I would be there this time...
to watch you fly.
-Elena McCoy written and dedicated to my grandmother

I have tried to keep busy these last few days, keep my mind preoccupied...but the truth is I can't and that is ok. Someone very close to my told me nearly a year ago, that we are not created to lose...to deal with loss...and so we struggle, we hurt deeply when it occurs. That phrase has helped me so much...just knowing that what I feel is ok...normal...something to be open about and shared.

How many of you, sweet friends, are still mourning the loss of a loved one? Whether recent or years past...
I guess, I am writing this to say,
it hurts
it is hard
some days you just want to cry for hours
some days you just smile at the memories
but that is ok.
but if you do nothing else, share.
because no one really knows how to cope "correctly"
but those of us who have lost, know the feeling.
Let it out.
It is ok.

Tomorrow will be a year since my grandmother's death, tomorrow I will spend the day with my family, quietly remembering her life.
I won't be posting tomorrow, just reflecting, and remembering.
Thursday I will be back as usual...though her presence will still be here no matter what.


Ajax said...

beautiful. I lost my mom in 2004..still don't know how to cope with that. Grief takes forever.

Leah said...

Beautiful words. You will be in my prayers tomorrow.

xo L.

Claudia Almandoz Gerbolini said...

I guess grief never goes away. Sometimes it arrives without death to accompany it. It doesn´t dissapear, it just slowly changes and transforms, a little bit more with every new wrinkle we greet... I´m always thankful for your words...and for your silence, I send you a warm hug from all the way over where we call it "abrazo"

Stephani said...

This was a lovely post. My father has Alzheimer's so I feel I am losing a bit of him every day and have been for the last few years. He lives in memory care now. I see him several times a week. When I get back in my car after a visit, I find myself either praising God, and overjoyed because of the privilege I have to care for him, and for the time we have in the present OR, I put my head on the steering wheel and cry because it is so hard to wrap my mind around what is happening to him and why. But he is still in the palm of God's hand and always will be. Thanks so much for sharing this. I don't comment often, but felt I needed to today.

Anonymous said...

Dear Elena,
Your words about Sallie brought tears to my eyes...she was a wonderful person and very kind to me every time we visited my sister (your mom). She thought the 'world' about you...she loved you dearly and was happy you were happy with Jason...she too expressed kind words about him. May God comfort you always whenever you think about her. Love, Aunt Olga