12.10.2010

...and I am human (after all)

...the sweet calm before the storm...
riveting picture of my batman, I know.

So...I'm not going to lie to you, we, here at our house, have our bad days too. lol
I stay up too late the night before (hypothetically of course), am awakened at 6:30 AM by a hungry birdie
and most assuredly fall asleep while feeding him (awesome).
I am then, not allowed to fall asleep again because my toddler decided to climb his gate (yes I gate my child like wild cattle, you don't?) and come to momma's room (equally awesome).

Don't get me wrong...I love my kiddos...more than life. Would walk to the moon to see them smile....but some days I want to stay in my bedroom all day like I did in college and watch EVERY episode of America's Next Top Model because it's that or Maury (and that ain't happenin) just because I don't want to get out of bed, shower, eat or anything else. pathetic. That's ok because you have been there too.
Still, after days like today, when Luca cries and whines and does-the-opposite-of-what-I-just-said-Get-Down-FROM-THERE!!!....ALL DAY LONGGGGGG...I close my eyes, ignore everything and think, "I must be the worst mother in the world. My kids are going to be messed up." I am just defeated.

Now see, I know I am really not a bad mom, that my kids will more than likely (keep my fingers crossed lol) be great adults, that we are just having an off day (very off) and that when we wake up, tomorrow will be SOOO much better, BUT in the moment, like the everlasting moment that was TODAY, I am a failure. I have seemingly done nothing right. I want to hang in my responsibility towel. Been there? Yeah, it's awesome...

I think being real about life is one of the reasons I started this blog...for many years I feel like (and probably still do from time to time, sorry) I put a smile on my face and let everybody think I was pretty put together, that I had no problems ever and that all was A-OK. That's just not true for anybody. That's what I have been working to get away from.

Every new year I pick a new word that I want to represent a focus area in my life...kind of a resolution but not so stringent. This year my word has been "Transparent" this blog has been one of the ways that I have begun to achieve that. I want to be accessible, helpful, caring, the shoulder you cry on, the neighbor with the extra sugar (oh yeah I said it), you get the idea.

My day sucked (sorry mom) there's no other way to say it. I messed up, my toddler for sure messed up hah, its ok. Im a little closer to being admitted, he's two steps closer to packing his bags and running away like I did when I was a kid. Oh well. I learned from it. Hopefully he did too.

Really, my kid (both of them really) is normally very well behaved, very polite, smart, verbally advanced for his age, creative, friendly (which can be very awkward at the grocery store ps), happy, loveable, and MINE. Today he didn't portray many of those qualities...

Hey, I get it. I want you to know. I feel down. I cry my eyeballs out like I got in a bad fight with a giant onion. I want to run away...but to where.? I understand. So if you are like me, and had a bad day, a bad week, so depressed the only thing you can do in your day is read my blog (yeah right). Here's a virtual hug.
Tomorrow will be better. Just don't ever give up. Never.


XoXo

ps...I apparently love the word awesome today. awesome. go with it.

1 comment:

Jason said...

First time I've seen you open up on your blog. It's a different side of you. Today was very rough with our oldest, but he's growing and curious. Wait until tomorrow! You can blog about how great the day was and how you forgot about this one!